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Day 10: March 30, 2010

March 31, 2010

I’m so back, it’s not even funn-ay. I got my release today from man jail, and let me tell ya, it was hot in there. Not spicy, temperature hot, like the molten innards of the Ham-N-Chee hot pocket that has burned many a lip. But fuck, I’m back on my stacks and on my grind.

It's like a scalding shart on your face

I felt like was born again emerging from that cocoon of socially mandated transformation, and suddenly everything was so different. When I went in, it was 2009, people. 2009. It’s hard to remember that it was really even like in the O-niner. My boy MJ died. I got word from the Queen on that one on the inside, so I decided I’d pay tribute by grabbin’ my isht ‘suggestively,’ but turns out that was just a rape beacon.

The Black Eyed Peas still suck, so that’s comforting.

Anyway, on the long walk back to my spot I stopped and got some Cheetos and some Dew. Man, it had been so long, I knew I’d lose it the first chance I had. I could hardly remember what it felt like, you know?

Well, comin’ out the store we made eye contact, and I knew it was on. I put the Cheetos in my pocket, brushed the residue from lips and fingers. I made my approach. From where I was on the sidewalk, I couldn’t tell there was three of em, but hey, the more the merrier right? I didn’t let it slow me down. I got right over there and just grabbed em all. Pimp style.

“Bitches…you comin home with me today. I’m a free man, lets celebrate.”

Yep, $0.16 just like that. Mr Truman never looked so good, or maybe I’m just seeing him in a different way.

Today’s Total: $0.16

Running Total: $1.80

Purchase Power: Flags for any nationality, be a hero for 30-days or so, or trick up to 12 children into entering your van!


Day 9: July 6, 2009

July 10, 2009

Red, White and Blue day was spent, but there is no receipt. I don’t know. My pockets were empty, so we’ll fast forward to Monday the 6th when I reentered the planet’s atmosphere becuase I had to go back to work. I was saddled with a Bunyan-like hangover that would’ve made lesser men assume the fetal, but soldiered through.

All 5 remaining brain cells are pictured

Despite the toddlers banging pans together in my brain, I had my best day to date. Four dimes, seven pennies, two nickels and a quarter for a total of $0.82! For those of you keeping score at home…yeah, that’s twice my total thus far. Awesome. They range from a two-year-old penny to a nickel referencing Bryan Adams’ seminal hit from 1984.

I’m well on my way here people, well on my way…

Today’s Total: $0.82

Running Total: $1.64

Purchase Power: A McMayonnaise off the $1.50 menu, a shooter of some drankor feed a hungry kid.

Day 6: July 3, 2009

July 10, 2009

I'd let Mr. Perry cuff me

I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t remember what the happened on this day. I came out the other side, so hey, I guess I can’t complain. Perhaps there was a funnel cake involved, and maybe a Portuguese gypsy too. What I do know, for certain, is that despite the level of inebriation, I was able to scrounge up 11 cents. Here’s a math problem for you, my public.

I found 11 cents, and I found two coins….what are they?

I’m sorry Caitlin, but no, the answer doesn’t involve a quarter…or U.S. Americans or “The Iraq.” And for those of you who breathe oxygen (or at least don’t forget to breathe entirely), congrats. It IS a dime and a penny. Both are surprisingly clean…in fact the dime is flossin like y’all know.

The penny is no slouch either, and dates back to 1974. Wow. ’74 was a great year for a whole bunch of reasons, chief among them the signing of Journey to Columbia Records. Wheel in the Sky? Don’t Stop Believin? Anyway You Want It? The list doesn’t quit. Cheers to you Mr. Perry.

Today’s Total: $0.11

Running Total: $0.82

Purchase Power: The King of Pop still lives, the ability to play scientist and, well, you missed the powder.

Day 5: July 2, 2009

July 10, 2009

A noticeable delay regarding the timeliness of this post, I know.  The long weekend took me to Forest Fair at Girdwood, which is the sort of event and place that would make Peter Pan jealous.  Time and sensibilities warp there like wet wood under prolonged stress. Luckily, I survived.

Peter Panties and Girdwood-ish

The day of my departure was paltry on the coin front. I just barely staved off being skunked completely by finding a penny in the road near my driveway.  Like many of its bretheren I have gathered, it’s nearly indistinguishable due to the white growth smothering it. Abe doesn’t deserve this. He’d most likely be pissed.

“My country’s greatest president didnt die face down in the muck…”


Today’s Total: $0.01

Running Total: $0.71

Purchase Power: Becuase maybe you drank too much that night, Jewels and a buck down unda’

Day 4: July 1, 2009

July 2, 2009

I am totally exhausted from my travels today, and as a result wish to keep this brief. My bed is beckoning me, and with the weekend approaching I fear I must get things done before I crash and burn in alcohol-fueled glory in celebration of  American independence.

I love America. Woof.

How better to honor or ancestors than drink profusely and court maidens? Enough about that, on the the matter at hand…

Today was a good day, as it seemed there was change at nearly every stop.  32 cents total, but it consists of seven pennies and a quarter.

Every coin except the Nebraska quarter looks like it has eczema….you dirty-ass pennies, you.

Todays Total: $0.32

Running Total: $0.70

Purchase Power: Some Mac ‘N’ Cheese, From China w/ Lead, some Limey candy

Day 3: June 30th, 2009

July 1, 2009

Another day in the books and I’m a little bit richer.  Much like yesterday, not much was found…just a lonesome penny.

Old Abe's power animal?

I spotted Abe having lunch by himself along the curb on Maho street on the southside of town.  He didn’t look so good, so I kicked over with confidence. He looked like he could use a friend.

For only being six years of age this penny is in tough shape.  I’m reasonably sure he’s viewed by his peers as the Nikki Sixx or Keith Richards of the monetary clique.  They probably love partying with him, but know he’s a mess and avoid ever taking him anywhere.

Despite his looks, I’m takin him home.

Today’s Total: $0.01

Running Total: $0.38

Purchase Power: Two small Peppermint Patties, Imitation Bumper Plugs, two packs of salty deliciousness

Day 2: June 29th, 2009

June 30, 2009

A rather grim total today; just a mere cent was found.  One penny.

Y2K would've been cool as shit

This is no regular penny though; it has very special qualities about it.  There is an an energy about it that fuels me with wonder and amazement. Further inspection led me to the source of its mystical properties.

This penny is from the year 2000…making it a Willenium penny. Fuck yeah, I’m serious. It’s a Willenium penny which makes it valuable, sexy, and nostalgic while still managing to be trendy.

The Willenium penny was hiding in the pantry behind the dog food…no doubt waiting for a Quaid-Nickel to fly his plane into the mothership.

Sadly, the treasury doesn’t recognize the value of this relic, so it goes in the books as just a penny. The gov’t just don’t understand.

Today’s Total: $0.01

Running Total: $0.37

Purchase Power: An outdated stamp, a Willie Mays card, a delicious dinner.