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Day 22: April 12th, 2010

April 13, 2010

captain's log

Fack. It actually rained today, which is lame as piss for an April in Alaska. This mother nature broad needs to get her act together, and at least pretend she’s sane instead of just wantonly giving us all the shaft. To make matters worse it was windy too, and wind is the Urkel to my Carl Winslow. Bugs the hell outta nigga.

The slow parade of minutes and seconds inched onward throughout the day, punctuated by a few moments of wonder and distraction.  In a cowardly move I lied to a professor, anticipating my desire to skip a class down the line. Yet, only an hour later, I made a move that was equal in boldness when I ate a sandwich with pickles on it.

Until today pickles were, to me, something akin to nature’s floater…a stinky and pervasive contemporary. Plus, anatomically they’re pretty similar too. Also, if you eat enough Trix, you can almost duplicate the green hue. Seriously, you can try it for yourself.

All the talk of feces provides a nice segue into one of my dog’s most ingenious moments.  I was greeted at the door by the all-too-familiar stench of a diaper-loaf or the like. After a search of all the normal LZs, my search brought me no closer to the source of the howling banshee in my nostrils.  Hallway, roommate’s room, bathroom, garage, stairs…nothing!

A few minutes later I checked the bathroom again, and lo and behold there were two monuments constructed in the heart of the bathtub. Thats right, my dog shit in the bathtub. Amazing. Intelligent. On the right toward the foot of the basis, she constructed what seemed to resemble a dog-pile of baby carrots or maybe a little volcano, a dormant one that is, not nearly as sculpted as the ones they make at Benihana. Approximately 8 inches to the North she laid down what could best be described as a lake, though I wouldn’t recommend goin for a dip.

So, I smiled and just washed them down the drain. Best cleanup ever. I wasn’t even mad, but like Mr. Burgandy, I was rather impressed.

Those two works of art weren’t the only treasure I discovered today. In the course of my travels I became 26 cents richer. Six pennies and two dimes are what my clique consisted of today and all look more Courtney Love than Charlize Theron, with the exception of  one bright, shiny penny that was chillin on the sidewalk outside the library. His date reads 1994, leading me to believe he’s been washed clean with Bill Clinton’s semen during a romp while listening to Sheryl Crow’s “All I Wanna Do.”

Personally, I woulda gone with Ini Kamoze or R. Kelly’s Bump -N- Grind. Meh, mere semantics I suppose.

Today’s Total: $0.26

Running Total: $2.64

Purchase Power: Trick 12 people into thinking you went on vacation and bought them a shitty gift at the gift store, maybe wet your noodles, or string em together and act like a pirate!


Day 20: April 10, 2010

April 12, 2010

It only took like, 10 sec and three steps for me to score today. Woke up after a night of beers with amigos and pulled on some shorts from the dirty clothes hamper and a shiny nickel hit the floor.

metal as fuck


I wonder how long it had been in there? At least a few weeks because I’ve been real quick on the laundry lately. Its from 1981, so maybe it just came back through fold-space and reentered my existence.’81 was pretty wild year. The Pope got capped twice and Marcus Allen won the Heisman.

Nothin for the rest of the day though, at all. I don’t even remember what I did all day to tell you the truth. I do remember waking up from a nap with a brick of colby cheese on my chest and ginger ale playing cliffhanger on my nightstand/mini-fridge.

Five cents and no real news I guess. Seek entertainment elsewhere.

Today’s Total: $0.05

Running Total: $2.38

Purchase Power: A nipply pen that, frankly, unsettles me…feed many a cop, and beaded pusses.

Day 19: April 9th, 2010

April 12, 2010

Fridays are the last day of the work week, which makes then better than Thursday, and much better than Monday. Monday is better than the band Thursday though. That band sucked so bad, even a severe case of the Mondays is preferable.  I used the past tense because I haven’t heard them referenced in some time. I can remember my little nerdler brother wearing his Thursday shit to karate lessons. Your no Ralph Macchio bro.

sometimes, erections just happen.

Work as pretty smooth, nothin to report there. I got a random boner when I was driving around, and I say random because I couldn’t pinpoint its origin. I wasn’t thinkin about makin relations…err, coitus. The roads I was driving were paved too, so it’s not like a back of the bus bonepiece that salutes the denim due to drum-rolling in your skivvies. It just was. The erection that just was.

I met a scientist lady who is going to study my oldest dog. My dog is gonna make sciences in the near future, making her more accomplished than me. It’s a study about muzzle licking…I told her she could just study me, but she quickly declined by gagging. What a prude. After that I ate Thai food, which is better than everything in the world.

Found a most unrecognizable penny in the parking lot there, and a dime maybe 20 min later at Best Buy. The cent looks like its been hottubbing in toothpaste, which sounds really unsexy, unless you’re a dentist or a fuckin freakshow in general. And if that’s the case, slowly back away from my blog and try to decide which shape is sexier, triangle or cube.

Today’s Total: $0.11

Running Total: $2.33

Purchase Power: Reading material for weirdos who don’t eat stuff like McGriddles,  a shiny ducky and a life-size Quigley to talk to when nobody is looking.

Day 18: April 8th, 2010

April 9, 2010

Dry pavement everywhere up here!@! Finally the greedy whore of Winter has lost her grip on everything and seems to be finally subsiding. For a while there, it appeared she was gonna hang round like Senor Cooper, but I’m seein’ dog shit everywhere, so all signs point to Spring.

Mr. Hawking and his prisoner, Lee Harvey

For the record, I would’ve let Vanessa come camping. Fast-forward to the 1:08 mark and there’ll be a clue why.

So yeah, it was sunny as hell and I had Mr. Hawking out on the deck all day, catching rays like Steve Irwin. Heh. Decided to ride my beauty to school and tool around the campus, and it was like, the best decision I’ve made since contracting gonorrhea just so I would know what it felt like. I’ve been the star of every gonorrhea conversation since. Yep, I’m battin’ 1.000 in that dept….take that Rod Carew.

Super fun day on the pavement. While I was cruisin’ the bettys around the school and drinkin’ in the day of days, I found a penny and a dime, in that order. Maybe five minutes apart. It completed me in a way. As a Brazilian once told a friend of mine when expounding on his love of a particular brothel, “When I there, I am top of my happy.” Well, those coinz put me at the top of my happy. Seriously, I felt like Ferris Bueller on a weekend trip at Bernie’s.

That good.

Today’s Total: $0.11

Running Total: $2.22

Purchase Power: So you can heat your heroin/meth spoon anywhere… if you squint they look like scrota and a notepad that’s pear-y awesome.

Day 16: April 5th, 2010

April 7, 2010

Mondays, fuck, who needs em right? When there’s no football at the ass-end of my workday, they’re nothing really. Tuesday morning is like a one-night stand after a bad break-up: after the torture and pain of Monday you’ll settle for anything…anything will look good, no matter how arboreal her arm hair is.

Where my dog went. Probably.

Tight schedule this day. I was 50 miles from “the office” and had to hustle to get all the “shit” done at work. One of my dogs went on wayward sabbatical, no doubt in search of bacon and chee mountain for something. Maybe she was just gettin’ all Buttafuoco on someone’s leg. I have no way of knowing. No habla ingles.

She made me way late though, and I was forced to angrily bounce from watching the Reds game to standing outside like a schmuck bellowing her name at empty woods while neighbors sleep. Fuckers. She made me late, and I was forced to skip my philosophy class with lobster girl and just work, work, work.

I wonder if she’s good at cave drawings? Like Michelangelo on Quaalude and Beefeater…or just simply talented?

At any rate, while I was pacing the driveway a dime found me. He was snuggling with a cigarette butt in a slice of scummy love. But hey, I’m not one to let a brotha suffer in the Alaskan Spring. He went spelunking in my pocket and remains there now, evolving no doubt.

Today’s Total: $0.10

Running Total: $2.11

Purchase Power: 100 Pills that might prevent Magic Johnson disease, find some Asians and open a nail parlor, or a Chinese battery-torch that probably beams radiation into innocent kids.

Day 15: April 4th, 2010

April 6, 2010

What a lazy sunday. Escaped the city and the life I live for a few days on someone else’s couch while they weren’t home. Here’s a chronological of what I did to celebrate Easter:

1.) Rolled over and opened my eyes

2.) Watched “Donut Paradise” and fiended for a maple-bacon bar from Voodoo Donuts.

3.) Watched Breakfast Paradise and fiended for a giant omelet.

I googled "Steak Paradise 2" and got this. Now I'm fiending again.

4. ) Watched Steak Paradise 2 and fiended for some cow buttocks.

5.) Watched Fried Food Paradise and fiended for some deep friend pollo.

6.) Watched Dogs 101 and learned the Puli looks really retarded. A lady got one and opened a yarn shop as a result. Really.

7.) Decided it’s ok to be a fiend and went to KFC and popcorn chicken’d for the rest of the day.

8.) Watched a movie with a friendo. The Blind Side…it was decent…sass everywhere.

9.) In the course of my travels to KFC, the car and back, I found two nickels and a penny. They’re all from the Clinton era, and as a result remind me of boners and saxophones. Thanks Bill.

Today’s Total: $0.11

Running Total: $2.01

Purchase Power: 1000 stress balloons for 500 stressed hands….give your computer a blowjob….maybe you like heroin.

Day 14: April 3rd, 2010

April 6, 2010

Holy Weekend Batman! Nobody knows for sure what transpired last night, and what do I have to show for it? Rugburns, bruises, a charliehorse and big smile. The rest is confidential because it’s penned in the annals of mystery history.  I’m not entirely certain, but I’m pretty sure I tried to outrace a greyhound last night and lost by at least a furlong.

dramatic reenactment of my mind's last moments

No, not the pea-brained toothpick dog greyhound…the citrus-y, booze-laden, delicious-liquid greyhound. (Thats back-to-back-to-back hyphenated adjectives back there. Boom.)

Yeah, that one. Thats the culprit.

Before I hit the establishment that ultimately did me in, I dined on some good pad thai. In the parking lot I happened upon a friend of the ten-cent variety. I was walking to my car with a belly full of yum, and found a very clean dime on the way back to the Camry. Huzzah! I pocketed him and took him on my adventure for the evening.

I found him on the floor of the dining room the next morning. Maybe he knows what went down? Or was he too busy cavorting himself…I guess we’ll never know.

Today’s Total: $0.10

Running Total: $1.90

Purchase Power: Headed to the Orient? Grab some grub… dammit dude, clothe your spawn…some fake friends for your site.