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Day 22: April 12th, 2010

April 13, 2010

captain's log

Fack. It actually rained today, which is lame as piss for an April in Alaska. This mother nature broad needs to get her act together, and at least pretend she’s sane instead of just wantonly giving us all the shaft. To make matters worse it was windy too, and wind is the Urkel to my Carl Winslow. Bugs the hell outta nigga.

The slow parade of minutes and seconds inched onward throughout the day, punctuated by a few moments of wonder and distraction.  In a cowardly move I lied to a professor, anticipating my desire to skip a class down the line. Yet, only an hour later, I made a move that was equal in boldness when I ate a sandwich with pickles on it.

Until today pickles were, to me, something akin to nature’s floater…a stinky and pervasive contemporary. Plus, anatomically they’re pretty similar too. Also, if you eat enough Trix, you can almost duplicate the green hue. Seriously, you can try it for yourself.

All the talk of feces provides a nice segue into one of my dog’s most ingenious moments.  I was greeted at the door by the all-too-familiar stench of a diaper-loaf or the like. After a search of all the normal LZs, my search brought me no closer to the source of the howling banshee in my nostrils.  Hallway, roommate’s room, bathroom, garage, stairs…nothing!

A few minutes later I checked the bathroom again, and lo and behold there were two monuments constructed in the heart of the bathtub. Thats right, my dog shit in the bathtub. Amazing. Intelligent. On the right toward the foot of the basis, she constructed what seemed to resemble a dog-pile of baby carrots or maybe a little volcano, a dormant one that is, not nearly as sculpted as the ones they make at Benihana. Approximately 8 inches to the North she laid down what could best be described as a lake, though I wouldn’t recommend goin for a dip.

So, I smiled and just washed them down the drain. Best cleanup ever. I wasn’t even mad, but like Mr. Burgandy, I was rather impressed.

Those two works of art weren’t the only treasure I discovered today. In the course of my travels I became 26 cents richer. Six pennies and two dimes are what my clique consisted of today and all look more Courtney Love than Charlize Theron, with the exception of  one bright, shiny penny that was chillin on the sidewalk outside the library. His date reads 1994, leading me to believe he’s been washed clean with Bill Clinton’s semen during a romp while listening to Sheryl Crow’s “All I Wanna Do.”

Personally, I woulda gone with Ini Kamoze or R. Kelly’s Bump -N- Grind. Meh, mere semantics I suppose.

Today’s Total: $0.26

Running Total: $2.64

Purchase Power: Trick 12 people into thinking you went on vacation and bought them a shitty gift at the gift store, maybe wet your noodles, or string em together and act like a pirate!

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